Personal Journal : Sadness and Forgiveness
Hey You | Keep Your Head Up – Self Projection
I got a piercing under my bottom lip recently. I’m walking through Little 5 Points and I get told by a random holistic healing stranger with dry ass locs selling essential oils on the side of the street to keep my head up.
“Uh uh, don’t let anybody rob you of your joy, keep your head up!”
The night before I had stayed up from about 2AM to 7AM writing about something I simply couldn’t get out of my head. I hadn’t gotten much sleep in truth, but in all honesty I was just fussing around with my piercing in my mouth and puckering my lips over and over again, looking at my phone as I walked. Which made it look like I was frowning, apparently. I basically just explained that it was my tongue fiddling with the piercing, but when I got to my car I thought.
“I wish I told him to mind his own business.”
I kind of feel groggy at this moment, feeling what I’m supposed to and knowing it will pass in time. Whenever people on the street – complete randoms, who look like they’ve been through a lot say “smile,” to me, it feels like projection of some kind. The coffee shop I’m at has a barista I sometimes chat it up with, I ask him what his opinion is on people that do that kinda thing.
“Yeah you know, maybe sometimes you remind someone of someone else they knew, or maybe they think the person who’s feeling really bad needs to hear that. Maybe they’re thinking that person may hurt themself or something.”
I see the point, but again, to me it feels like projection, I’d say even policing – like a form of toxic positivity. I reel it back in my head a little bit, I’m probably just being a bit harsh, maybe judgemental, not discerning.
Nothing wrong with asking someone what's up, but if someone really wanted you to look happier in that moment they wouldn’t say “uh uh, pick your head up,” they’d say something like “I like your hair,” or “you have such a pretty face,” even a “how we doing?” is pretty nice. Then again, some people are just awkward, but I didn’t like it at that moment. I felt like I was being told to perform.
Seriously, what if I just got news of something terrible, is it not insensitive to say “hey, smile for my convenience!”
My theory is that some hurt people have a need to put out happiness and confidence as if it’s some sort of constant given. Sadness is not a possibility, neither is the reflection and growth that comes with it. Merely a means for control of the vibrations. Like I mentioned in the last blog post about anger, sadness is essential to living. You cannot be some happy person all the time who projects nothing but goodness and positivity. I mean you can, and hey maybe you can pull it off, but it sounds so goddamned exhausting. Not to mention illogical, to me, anyways.
To me that kinda interaction just translates to “don’t look sad, it’s gonna remind me that I’m not doing good either.” That kinda shit pisses me off, what is wrong with being / looking sad in public or around people that care about you?
I think it’s important to feel your emotions, even more important to act accordingly with them. It ain’t about what you’re feeling, it's just a matter of how you deal with it. Easier said than done – but what a pleasure it must be to be around people that let you express all your feelings, and don’t shame you because of them. Vulnerability is rare, and it is a fragile emotion. Holding space for someone else’s vulnerability is beautiful. Love and vulnerability go hand and hand – without the willingness to be rejected, hurt, or standing firm in your beliefs you cannot properly love. You only emulate the emotion that you’re feeling or what you “should” be feeling.
Masking essentially to maintain appearances or make people happy, denying you of what your intuition and body are telling you. I believe that many hurt people think that if they simply just ignore the pain they’re in, or run from it, then it’ll just stop. I think that many hurt individuals think that by doing something good or saying something good, it counteracts the negative thoughts that they have about themselves.
“If I do good thing x, then y thing isn’t true.” But then some of them don’t do the work outside of that, or feel any of their pain, and wouldn’t ya know it they go off and hurt someone else some other way.
I am a hurt person, I’ve got depression, but none of that shit defines me though. Sometimes I slip up, maybe I isolate a little too hard, or I make some rather drastic assumptions, but I’m not the sum total of my mental health, I am simply me, and I am a good person who has a lot of love to give.
I hate self help guides, so I’ll just talk about a personal experience instead.
I was passing through an area and I felt and looked like shit back in January. I was gonna go to a music show for a band I had never heard of and didn’t really care for and just zone out by myself. All of a sudden I ran into an acquaintance I had met years ago.
“Hey how have you been?”
I’m honest and say I’ve been better, kind of just trying to figure out the next steps, feel bad, etc etc.
“Well hey, have you ever played Magic the Gathering? Me and a bunch of people meet here every Thursday, you can come and watch if you want.”
So I come over and watch a bunch of people with their decks and cards. The re-united friend tells me that he’s willing to teach me how to play some other time with a group of other newbies. I show up about a week later, and I meet some cool people.
Now I play Magic the Gathering just about every Thursday. I have my own deck and have made a ton of new friends because of it. All because someone saw that I looked like shit and decided to open up a little bit. Didn’t tell me to hang in there, didn’t offer to do too much, just basically kept it simple and chill. Probably, in all honesty, he just wanted more people to join. No pity, no immediate solutions, just an option I might enjoy.
We aren’t close or anything, but I’m thankful for that moment.
So is it really fair to tell someone in detail why they should smile, a stranger at that? Is it not okay to cry or look miserable as an adult around other adults who have all at one point, cried and looked miserable?
Boundaries | Crying in a Park | Better Things Coming
I think it’s just as fair to not want to open up all that much, even more important to not give your emotions out freely to the worst possible people. Considering boundaries, if someone says they can’t deal with hearing something right now, that’s 100% fair. But there should still be some people that exist within your sphere that you can share your feelings with all around.
I made a joke about this once, but I once thought about putting an ad out on craigslist or Instagram that invites people to come out to a park, sit in a circle, and cry. A crying circle jerk if you will. Someone opens up about what they’re dealing with and gets it rolling, then others follow suit – then another sees and now the water works for them are rolling. In time, people all around the park start following suit and now everybody in the whole area can’t stop crying. I think that’d be a nice absurdist short film or something.
Anyways, I woke up sad this morning, I cried a little bit, and then I got up and kept my day going. I plan on seeing a movie on my own tonight because that’s always something that gets me going (update the people at the counter gave me the last ticket for a movie because I’m a regular). I had a friend reach out to me to go to the movies tomorrow, her situation similar to mine. New friends, confusing and painful breakup, overall just randomly anxious at times. Tomorrow I was also gonna jam with some new folks with my guitar later and check a communal space out the next day. Then I’m watching mostly, maybe jamming again on monday with some musicians, then I’m jamming with two people I’m trying to start a band with.
I have a lot to look forward to, my job is good, my money is good, my family is good – my sister says she’s pregnant and she and her bf are getting married. My photographs got accepted into a gallery, and I found other open calls I can apply to in Atlanta. I go to therapy twice a week, I still take my adderall to lock in. I’ve shirked away from friends that aren’t really good friends / don’t align with my values at all. I write regularly (and I need to start posting more to this blog). I’m doing the work of healing as much as I can. Not to be perfect or be invulnerable from hurt, but to just get back to my normal.
I have been doing so much to improve my own life. Regular routines, cooking more, budgeting, inviting people to do photoshoots, actually trying harder to learn to play my guitar, you name it. I’m doing all the productive things I can possibly think of.
Yet, I still feel like hot dog shit from time to time even when I think things “should” be good. I think about my job, which has settled out nowadays, but I wonder if it’s where I truly belong. I think about my ex, who’s face I can finally picture in my head for the first time in 6 months – and coming to hold more grace for and understanding for the deeper intricacies on why it ended. I’m realizing lately that I was in love with them, and unfortunately neither of us were aligned, and neither of us were ready.
Vulnerability | Forgiveness
I think one of the best things I love about me personally is that vulnerability and I are fairly well acquainted. I feel my emotions very significantly sure, but I always reflect on them the best I can and process. I am continuing to grow. I think if I make it to 70 I’ll be a very wise person in my old age. I just hope I’m surrounded by people that are also of the same mindset.
On the topic of my ex again, when we broke it off, I started to take some things from their playbook, albeit bitterly at first. I was pretty angry at some point, very hurt, back and forth with how I remembered them, somewhat black and white. I mostly think of them in a fond manner, for the most part anyways.
They liked reading, I personally don’t really have an easier time sitting down, so instead I got into watching movies. Now I go to the same movie theatre often to the point where the folks at the front counter know how I am. I rent movies pretty often and keep up on letterbox’d with my reviews. I was an okay cook, now I cook multiple times a week from the recipes that they taught me, and new ones I’ve learned on my own. They were always trying their hardest to go out and meet people and join communities and I was always impressed by that, so now I’ve started doing the same.
I feel my emotions so intensely sometimes that I find it rather difficult to forgive people for a transgression of any kind. If I give someone a boundary, and they cross it anyways, you’re out. If you go out of your way to hurt me, I just use that as information that this person doesn’t wanna be involved with me, so you’re out. I used to think cutting people off was a toxic thing to do regularly, but I don’t cut everyone I meet off at some point. I have many long standing friends, I don’t dispose of people when we’re no longer meshing. I just don’t tolerate bullshit, and I didn’t stick around often hoping people will change – even less so now. A friend of mine says “put them in the corn field,” when you wanna give them a soft time out. If they’re not meant for even the corn field, well I put them in the void.
My father and I, for example, have had a rocky relationship for many years since I was a child. I mentioned in the last blog post some fairly traumatic things. Lately though, my father has put in more effort towards his and I’s relationship and he’s changed somewhat. He’s trying his absolute hardest to do more and just be a better father to me all around. Yeah there’s still some faults between us, sure, but it’s nice to have some level of stability with my father after all this time.
I turn 29 this month, and I’ve waited for this moment for years, but he’s actually doing more to be involved in my life. He sometimes calls and asks how my day went, we even watch movies every so often now. I even got him into letterbox'd.
There was a brief period where our relationship got so bad I was ready to cut off my father. I didn’t answer his texts or phone calls. I didn’t say hi to him in person, I just simply ignored him and went about my business. I was pretty harsh towards him at times, it felt justified, but in hindsight it wasn’t what I wanted. If I hadn’t acted in this way though, he’d have simply just continued to take me for granted or not really understand that I’m an adult who can just leave whenever I want.
I think sometimes about a lot of the people that have wronged me. In comparison to the last post, my anger meddled out, but it’s still an active tool at my disposal. I’m learning more about anger not always being the best thing to use, but at the very least it’s great to have at my disposal.
I honestly think if I hadn’t had a support system post December 2025, I’d have probably indulged too far into my anger – becoming bitter, hateful and spiteful.
I still feel sad, and I still sometimes wake up and I cry over something long over and done with or something I just remembered, but I still get up and I fight, and I put in the work. I haven’t indulged in smoking to mask what I’m feeling either ever since I quit. Sadness is a valid emotion, without sadness we can’t grow, so I hope all the stuff I’ve been feeling since the start of the year continues to pay off. I hope as the years go on that I am able to continue to be vulnerable around people that have earned it as well.